The assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump on Saturday was an emotionally wrenching moment for America — including the nation’s children.
Of course, children do not follow or fully understand the complex and often vicious circumstances that lead to such horrific events and the death of a volunteer fire chief in Butler, Pennsylvania. In the past couple of days, many toddlers have likely asked their parents an incredibly challenging one-word question:
“Why?”
“Often, parents don’t have an answer,” NYU Langone clinical child psychologist Yamalis Diaz, Ph.D., told The Post.
Admittedly, Diaz, a clinical associate professor, said explaining a traumatic event to toddlers is no easy task. However, there is a proper way to do this – and it starts with the “ingredients” a parent puts into their response rather than just the words used.
“You start with validation about the emotions they’re feeling or what they’re actually achieving. You give some basic information and explanations that they can wrap their heads around, and then you provide security,” she said.
“If you keep messing around in that, using those ingredients and that kind of formula, you’re usually going to do a really nice job of being able to bond with your baby.”
How to ‘Ensure Safety’
Similar to what many young millennials questioned after September 11, 2001, kids are now asking hard questions — not just why the former president was shot, but how it could have happened in the first place.
Diaz suggests starting with a simple but meaningful phrase that will resonate with young children:
“Sometimes people do bad things and that’s why we have police and prisons.”
From there, letting a child know they are protected is critical.
Diaz emphasizes this message: “You know we’re safe here, right? Scary things don’t happen every day. But sometimes scary things happen. But the good news is that you are safe. Everything is fine.”
She added that children may struggle to understand how such a traumatic event is even possible despite safety – and that it is often a warning sign of their anxiety.
Without going into detail about the Secret Service’s apparent failures, it’s important to “evaluate the child’s feeling, not just the question.”
Diaz suggests sounding out that the circumstances feel scary and restating the child’s question to help create a more qualitative and age-appropriate response.
She advises explaining that “sometimes people can bypass some of the things that are there to keep us safe. Sometimes people find ways to do bad things.”
But it’s also critical to reiterate how many times the police have kept people safe, and that the good story far outweighs the bad. Then, it can become an open moment to listen to your child.
“I think it’s really important for parents to be able to say, ‘Sometimes you might see or hear things that are really scary and you might not know what to do or what. I’m always here to talk if you want to ask me more questions or if you have big feelings about it.”
Keep politics out of it
Parents should put their feelings toward Trump aside when addressing the weekend’s events, Diaz stressed.
“We’re trying to make their emotions smaller — less, less intense,” she said. “Don’t pour into it. That’s the wrong thing to do.”
Diaz said that pushing views or theories about the event could accidentally start “a little internal fire.”
“All of a sudden, they’re afraid to walk into camp or, you know, they’re watching the news with big eyes,” she explained, focusing intensely on the issues.
“It’s the exact opposite of what we want to do.”
Don’t let them look or soak in it
Watching that unfold in Pennsylvania is one of the worst things a child can see. Kids who avidly follow the later news can also be quite harmful, Diaz said.
While all children are prone to overwhelming feelings in such situations, many are “predisposed or simply at risk of developing anxiety, having a more traumatic reaction.
“You want to think of them as having a magnetized brain and things will just stick. The more you give to climb into this brain, the worse it will be.”
Parents should limit media exposure and be aware if young children are suddenly fixated on viewing news or social media-related content, Diaz advised.
What if you are afraid too?
Diaz warns to be careful that children can’t see or read your expression when talking to other adults about what happened.
“Kids pick up on the emotion in the air – it’s almost like they feel it. And once they sense that something has changed in temperature, their brains tend to adapt.”
However, letting a child see you in a raw and emotional state can be fine – if it’s done right by showing your reaction.
“If you suddenly start crying, say something like, ‘Dude, this is a question I’m struggling with too. I don’t know how they surrounded him. It’s very scary for me too,” Diaz explained.
Talking to teenagers
For those old enough to have a loose understanding of why Trump was targeted, it can become a powerful moment for parents to connect with their teens and a chance to “participate in shaping the process of their opinion,” said Diaz.
“With teenagers, one of the best additional things you can do is ask a lot more questions: ‘What do you think about what just happened? How do you interpret it? Why do you think people do things like that?” Diaz said.
“You’re getting them to be able to talk through their thoughts and feelings, which gives you an opportunity to, No. 1, validate and reflect their perspective.”
Parents then have the opportunity to “correct any misunderstandings, to maybe massage some of the way they see it.”
When it might be time for professional help
If a child has internalized what happened a long time ago, it will be evident by looking at their behavior a month or so from now, Diaz said.
If at that point it is still “a main topic of conversation,” this is a warning sign that a child may need to seek professional help.
Other warning signs include negative changes in behavior, such as more anger, confrontational positions, and argumentative and irritable actions.
“If it’s not behavior, usually they have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or suddenly want to sleep with you. They wake up having nightmares,” continued Diaz.
“This is often where children manifest anxiety in the most visible way.”
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