When one person is doing paid work and the other is working at home, it can create a tricky balance of power if you don’t trust your relationship or a joint bank account.
Couples with this structure manage money in all kinds of ways.
They can pool everything with both people having equal access, they can have a joint account for household and children’s expenses plus their personal accounts, or they can keep everything completely separate, which can work as long as everyone agrees.
Jacqui*, a stay-at-home mother who gave up work to raise her children, has found herself stuck in a difficult financial situation.
She has always used her husband’s bank card to withdraw money, but recently, he has taken the card back and refused to give her additional money.
“Last month he said he had to start saving so he would transfer me an amount and if I ran out I could ask him,” she told advice forum Mumsnet.
Jacqui feels terrible in this situation – she has lost her independence and her husband has control over her spending.
“Having to ask for money and being given a budget made me feel like a child.”
The man keeps the money for the woman
With 10 days to go until the end of the month, Jacqui found herself with $60 left. She is based in the UK and the kids are on school holidays so she is spending more on day to day activities.
“I told him I need more. He said no.
“He said there’s food in the house, that we can go to the park and not pay to do things.”
When Jacqui argued further, he threatened divorce.
“He’s saying it’s my fault for not being careful enough with my budget, but that’s how much things cost.
“Maybe I spent too much, I couldn’t have taken the kids to the farm or to a cafe, but still, to get the card and it tells me I can’t have more money??”
The mothers believe that the woman is being financially abused
Commenters on the forum said Jacqui was being abused.
“He is being financially abused and intends to leave you,” one person said. “I suggest you leave with the kids first and claim benefits.”
“Is the house by both names?” asked another person. “If he doesn’t want to be with you, tell him to go. You can apply for benefits and receive an advance. Be sure to ask for child support as well. He is abusing you financially.â€
Others questioned whether the budget Jacqui’s husband had set was fair.
“I think the budgets are reasonable. No one can spend and spend only if you need to save,” said one person. “Did you both look at the budget and figure out if it was enough to cover shopping and gas? Maybe you need to sit down and work with it. There is no excuse, but it can be a bit of pressure to be the only winner.â€
“We don’t know how the budget was calculated, how the money was spent and how tight things are,” said another. “The reality is that almost everyone needs to set some kind of budget and save for larger purchases.”
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